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Aug paid the bill. They wandered out to the parking lot. Aug pulled out the key ring and clicked on the remote car opener. The lights on a black Cadillac EXT flashed on and off. “There ya go, big boy” Steve said. “Just what the doctor ordered.”
They walked to the vehicle. “Sweet” Aug said. “Where’d ya get it?”
“Off the nicest damn MILF you’d ever see” Mike answered. “She was smokin’ more than the truck.”
“Oh yeah?” Aug asked. “Did she smoke you?”
“You know I tried” Mike replied.
“I know you tried” Aug answered. “Hell, I don’t even have to ask if you tried or not. Hell, she don’t even have to be good lookin and you’d try. She could weigh four hundred pounds and have no teeth and you’d try! I asked if she did not if you tried!”
Steve laughed. “Butt muncher here got nowhere. You shoulda heard him beggin’! Hell, he was beggin’ so hard I thought she might drop the price just to get rid of the vehicle.”
“Oh yeah?” Aug asked opening the cab and looking inside. “Damn” he said rapidly checking out the DVD, GPS, Blue Tooth and rear camera features. “This Escalade is more loaded than I am. “Is it hot?”
“Nope” Steve said. “I was actually able to register it and get plates and all. You’ll be all set.” The Champion brothers smiled at each other. “C’mon. Let’s check out the cab. We got some goodies in the back for ya.”
“Oh yeah?” Aug asked. “Like what?”
“Toys” Steve said.
Aug gave him a funny look. “What, did you stop at the Vu on the way in? Ya know, I ain’t into those handcuffs and things like that.”
“Smart ass” Steve said. Mike busied himself opening the trunk area. “Although we did stop in for a show while waiting for your sorry ass. It was a lot of fun. I got all the sympathy rubbing from all them girlies there. They all felt sooooooooo sorry for the wounded guy.”
“Yeah” Aug said. “I’ll bet. The wounded guy with plenty a dough for the show.”
“Hell, I got more and probably better sympathy then if’n I’da been married probably!” Steve said. They both smiled.
“Here ya go” Mike said clicking on a Coleman lantern in the back of the cab to illuminate the trove. He popped up the rear cab cover to make it easier to see inside. “Lots a boy toys for you in here.”
Aug peeked his head inside. He saw a lot of packages. “Which one is the inflatable doll?” he asked.
Mike laughed. He pointed to a long slender tarp looking device. “It isn’t an inflatable doll. It’s an inflatable Sport Tent. Or, rather, and fold out tent you can use to convert the back into a tent. The cab’s like five foot long but there is an extender piece up under the window that can make the bed like eight foot.” He grinned. “Still not long enough to house your unit but maybe it’ll keep it from dragging on the ground!”
“Whatever” Aug said. “Hey, at least that’s a good problem to have!” He looked back in the cab. “Holy hell you got a lot of crap in here. “There’s a comforter and pillows and first aid kit and flares. Hey, just so I know, did you put any rubbers in the first aid kit?”
“None that’ll fit you!” Mike snorted. He pointed to some bags. Here’s what you’ll like even better. Grab them bags. We did some shoppin’ for ya.”
Aug reached in the cab and hauled big grocery bags to the back. He opened up a big and lit up like a kid in Candyland. “Explosives!” he exclaimed. “Cool!”
“Yeah” Steve said “We figured as long as we was stocking up for ourselves we might as well buy you some goodies.” He watched Aug pull out a square package. “It’s Da Bomb!” he said. It was Da Bomb! “Let’s see” Aug said. “Nine Mega Burts! Shoots Flaming balls! Gold Willow to Red. Red Dahlia to Silver Chrysanthemum!” He looked at Steve. “Ya always need the Silver Chrysanthemum!”
Mike pulled out a package holding it up. “That’s just Groovy Baby!” He rotated the side of the container. “It’s the Mega Mojo! Here ya go. You can getcher Mojo back with this one, Baby!”
Aug laughed. “That is Groovy! What else do we got here? Tell me you got some Saturn Missiles!”
“Hundred shot versions” Steve said. “We got the big payload; not the twentyfiver size.”
“Huh-Huh, Huh-Huh” Mike offered. “He said pay-load!” They laughed.
“What’s this” Aug asked picking up another object.
“That’s a Molten Cor-E, as Conspiracy brother would say.” Steve answered.
“This bags got mortars in it” Mike said. “It the Air Assault Collection!”
“Huh-Huh, Huh-Huh” Aug offered pulling out another package. “It’s the Triple Load, “Huh-Huh, Huh-Huh.”
Steve got Aug’s attention pointing to a box. Aug looked at Steve quizzically. He looked inside. His jaw dropped. “They’re now three hundred shot. They ain’t Saturn Missiles; it’s the Missile Base! It’s your own Missile Command game; Trac Ball not included.”
Aug eyed his way through the bags of more goodies. “Oh, man! This is so cool!”
Mike had been busy while Aug was distracted. “Nope. This is cool” Mike said standing off to the side of the truck and behind Aug. “This is for beatin’ up on my crippled brother!” Aug held a package of missiles in his as he turned to see what Mike was up to.
Mike jammed the taser gun into Aug’s chest and fired. Aug felt the electricity jolt through his body. He wasn’t aware of anything but pain as the surge fired his muscle connections. His body shook like a Fly Girl and he lost his footing smacking his head against the body of the truck as he dropped to the ground. On the way down his arm went up. The taser gun surge struck the Missile Command on Aug’s way down.
Mike and Steve laughed until they realized that the electrical surge lit the fuse on the Missile Base. In a split second they realized they were standing next to a vehicle full of explosives and three hundred fire-y screaming missiles would be shooting every which way in no time. “Aww fuck” Mike exclaimed. He picked up the box and threw it as far as he could down the parking lot just as the missiles started launching.
Three hundred shots fired in under a minute. The barrage went everywhere. Mike took a couple shots into his body as he threw the package. His body hit the ground. He saw a couple missile shots fly into the back of the cab. He saw missiles flying on the roof of Joe’s and on cars and through the air. He smelled burning gun powder and burning flesh from his skin. He felt pain. He prayed that his stupid people trick would not kill him or do more damage or set something on fire.
Steve swore ducking under the tailgate for cover. He spent his time during the assault cussing under cover to no one. The whistling missiles were too loud for anyone to hear.
Curious souls from inside Joe’s opened the door to walk out and find what the commotion was. The door opened and shut immediately as the Missile Command Trac Ball sent a couple missiles exploding into the door.
Suddenly the military attack was over. The air smelled of spent fireworks. Steve poked his head out from under the cab. “SHIT” he exclaimed hopping sideways into the cab of the truck. The comforter smoldered. “OUCH! DAMN! OUCH! YEEOWW!!” and other exclamations followed as he tried rolling his casted body over the comforter to get it out before more incendiaries were lit.
Aug lay drooling on the ground trying to figure out what had happened. His mind contained an image of a cartoon Indian saying Me smell Mohican burnin; Me Last Mohican; Must BE ME Burning! He opened his eyes. His shirt and coat were on fire. “AAARRRGGHHH” he yelled tapping his shirt and coat out before the blaze spread.
Mike witnessed Aug fighting the flames. Suddenly everything seemed very funny and worth it. He started laughing until he realized he was on fire. Then it wasn’t so funny. He screamed “YEOOWW” patting his coat and putting out the burning embers in the down. He checked himself over satisfied he was safe.
Aug grabbed the taser off the ground jabbing the device into Mike’s skull giving him a long zap. Mike sputtered away like an electroshock therapy patient. Aug made sure he kept the electricity flowing for as long as he dared. “EH!” he exclaimed. “YOU THOUGHT WAS FUNNY? I’LL GIVA YA FUNNY!” Satisfied with the High Voltage he let go.
Aug staggered to the Caddy still trying to shake off the effects. Steve lay in the cab rolling gently on his back saying “Ow! Ow!” Aug looked at the bar door. A couple of angry, unhappy patrons were approaching. They looked to him like they came from a Doctor Seuss book only instead on Thing 1 and Thing 2 they were Redneck 1 and Redneck 2. He briefly wondered if they had the number 8 shaved into their back hair.
“What the hell you guys doing out here!” came the expected angry yell. “You fuckers almost set my fucking truck on fire! I oughtta kick yer fucking ass for that!”
Aug threw the taser in the back of the cab. No use asking for more trouble he thought. He stepped around to the front other side of the cab holding his arms out. He pointed with his fingers to the smoldering of his coat. “Hey, guys, ya know” he meekly said with a slight smile “My buddy over here is an idiot with a capital I. He fucked up and accidentally set off…”
Aug never got a chance to finish. The big bearded bowling balls of humanity plowed into him pushing back into the back quarter panel of the EXT. Not Good Aug thought. After a bunch of beer and boilermakers capped off with a heavy shot of electricity he really didn’t want a brawl. He tried covering up as arms and legs and fists started swinging at him. He wondered what would happen next.
A loud whistle followed by Mike’s shouting stopped the country bumpkins from beating on Aug. “Oops! Hey! Cool, Cool!” Aug heard the men say as they backed away. “Hey! Hey man, we didn’t mean no harm.”
“Hey guys” Aug heard Mike say “Just go have some beer. Look, we’ll even buy ya a pitcher. Yo, bro, give ‘em some dough.” The men stood there looking at each other. “C’mon, C’mon” Mike’s voice urged. “We fucked up, I know it. I understand yer bein’ pissed and if I were you I would be too. We don’t want no trouble; just have some brewskis on us and we’ll all be cool. Cool?”
One man stepped forward and grabbed some money. They slowly turned and walked away towards the bar saying “Cool. Cool. Cool by us man!”
Aug slowly pulled himself up the side of the truck. He felt a little bruised but he was curious what he would see. He saw Mike holding the scariest shotgun he had ever seen in his life. It was a huge weapon and it scared the heck out of Aug just seeing it himself. “What the FUCK is that thing?”